THE STAR SPANGLED SHORTS

Storm clouds hang heavily over our little enterprise at the moment.Audiences are conspicuous by their absence and receipts are falling.

The Latvian juggler recently had to be paid in ten and twenty pence pieces from the toffee apple stand. Having seen his act more times than I care to remember, I would say it would make more sense to pay him IN toffee apples.

There is a school of thought that says people need a laugh and some thrills in tough times. What they didn't factor into the equation is the fact that the only time there are "thrills" in THIS establishment is when there is an accident.Such thrills usually end in a flashing blue light receding into the night and more lurid headlines in the local press.

As for the laughter bit, while everyone needs a good laugh when times are hard, paying for the dubious privilege of engaging in outright mockery is regarded by most folk as an indulgent extravagance.

Embarrassingly, I seem to be exempted from the rash of economies taking place at Pettigrew's just now. Au contraire, by contrast with the rest of my fellow, mummers, chancers and clowns, money has been positively splurged on me in the last seven days.

The tricycle that I use in our act ground to a halt when one of the back wheels sheared off right in the middle of the proceedings the other night. Mind you, it got a bigger laugh than anything else we did. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have been furnished with a brand, spanking new tricycle that plays snatches of "Greensleeves" when I press the bell which, admittedly, can cause confusion when the children in the audience line up in an orderly manner for ice cream before our "fifteen minutes of fun" is over.

Also, following my ongoing problems with chaffing caused by the lederhosen, I have now been attired in spangly shorts and a gold lame waistcoat.

I must admit that I felt a bit of a fool at first (which is, of course, what I am paid to be) but the combined effect of my sporty new trike and the sequins on my shorts sparkling in the circus lights is really rather spectacular and I have started to enjoy being at the centre of things.

I have heard mutterings that I am getting above myself and becoming a bit of a prima donna. I deny this of course. Anyway, how do you maintain a low profile while parading around in a gold lame waistcoat and spangly shorts.


AUNT SALLY

A Mr. G BROWN, of 10 Downing Street says: I take great offence at being refferred to as a "SOCIOPATH" in your last posting. It's a bit much when I am bending over backwards to clean up the mess I made in the first place. Oops!............

Marcel says: "Bending over backwards, eh? We may have a vacancy for you......."