THE DOGGING DAYS OF SUMMER

Apologies for the lapse in communication my little chums but morale round here has been lower than a snail's Dr. Scholl's recently. We are in the middle of the dog days of summer and most of our dysfunctional little band of jugglers, clowns and cut throats are even more "barking" than usual. We are currently encamped in a remote part of the West Country ( whose bright idea was that - it means that the audiences are even remoter)where the heat is something brutal. Oh the heat!, the torpor, the unattractive sight of circus workers in string vests!. It's like Tennessee Williams with Cream Teas! It's so hot that I can't sleep at night. I tried lying on a mat on the grass outside the caravan but the local wildlife kept nicking me crisps. Weeeeeeeeell, if I can't sleep I've got occupy myself somehow haven't I? It's not just the heat though. At night there are strange noises coming from the woods at the edge of the field where we are camped. The sound of car engines, doors opening and shutting and, oddly, creaking metal and the odd horn sounding - in more ways than one!. Beppo reckons its some Pagan group celebrating midsummer but its a bunch of the local, randy "stoats" doing what randy "stoats" do with no consideration for the peace and repose of hard working show folk. That Beppo! For all his bravado he is as innocent as a day old babe - only a lot less intelligent. Allow me to give you an example. The other night, just as I was sitting on my mat polishing off my umpteenth bag of crisps and longing for the "arms of Morpheus", dopey comes around the corner, trips over yours truly and falls flat on his face. The good news was that he was wearing his three foot long comedy shoes and so sprang straight back up again. The bad news was that he bent his new video camera all out of shape. Apparently, those sniggering little psychopaths, Zippo and Bippo, told him that the lady who rides the big white horse had a habit of sleep walking in the nude and Beppo had the idea of capturing the event for posterity - not to mention selling the footage to "You've Been Framed". Is there nothing that some people won't do for £250? I hope he takes it out on Zippo and Bippo's hides with that big comedy belt of his - the one with the massive ornamental buckle. Just so long as he doesn't do it at night. As I've just mentioned, it's hard enough trying to get to sleep around here as it is! P.S. A word to the wise: Never eat more than six bags of salt and vinegar crisps at the one sitting. I did last night and I my bl***in lips are still numb!

P.S. A special treat for all you pleasure seekers this time! Play the clip at the top of the posting and hear Mr G. Colonna sing his little heart out. Mr. C is currently the Assistant Pachyderm officer but, who knows,if your response is favourable the management may find a late night spot for him. It will probably be a very late spot - and not necessarily at this venue! If the response isn't so hot, well don't worry, the pachyderms speak very highly of him.

HEARTFELT THANKS FOR THE TALENTS OF GERRY COLONNA AND THE KIND FOLKS WHO PUT THE LOVELY FILM TOGETHER, THE MANAGEMENT.