If you want a simple, trouble free life in the trouser department, dear reader, I implore you to stay away from lederhosen (you know, those little leather trousers that people from the Alps favour when they are playing with their Alpenstocks or Glockenspiels or whatever that big long trumpet thing is called) . I know wherof I speak.
As I suspected, Bobo's Bavarian Chimps act involves a lot of pratfalls, slapping and general chasing around and it's me who is making the pratfalls and being slapped.
As far as the chasing around goes, after an arduous twenty minutes of entertaining the great British public, the act ends with me on a cherry red tricycle, doing three rounds of the ring at high speed, pursued by the rest of the chimps and Beppo and his gaggle.
The chaffing is unbelievable. the worst thing is that I am only just recovering when I am due on again and, on the rare occasions when the circus vet is sober he palms me off with a next to useless cream whose chief effect is to make me feel like I have wet myself.
As for Beppo, the circus union man, he's just not interested in my suffering at all. Apparently, I am an inferior species and, therefore not within his remit. He wants to look more closely at some of his fellow members.
Pettigrew, the sole owner of Pettigrew's U.K. Circus, is incensed by the spiralling costs of the Olympic Stadium and has fired off a letter to the relevant Cabinet Minister making out a case for grants for touring circuses such as ours. Or as you or I would say, he's "on the earhole again."
Apparently, words and phrases such as "magic", "culture" and the "smiles on little kiddie's faces" were liberally sprinkled about this epistle.
I must admit, as I was racing around that ring, tearing my groin to shreds, the words "magic" and "culture" were far from my mind and as for the "little kiddies," well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mr. Tiplady from Frimley Green writes:
So Hazel, the manic squirrel, Blears is handing the money back, is she? Well, except for the fact that it's my money, I almost wish she hadn't. If the Bottler in Chief had had a momentary attack of courage he might have actually fired her. Ambitious little "rodent" that she is, she might have had a funny turn and "gone for his nuts!"
Marcel says: Don't talk to me about funny turns but I admit the spectacle you imagine might actually be funnier than our whole act!!.
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Nuts, whole hazelnuts....
2 months ago